The church of Pie

A website devoted to the Great Pie. Hail pie!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Pieful Book of Pie

Chapter 1
In the beginning, there was the pie. But the pie was lonely, so he created an asteroid. The asteroid smashed into the Pie, and his pieces flew everywhere. The Pieces of the pie formed the universe, and the fruit inside the Pie became people.But as people became great, they forgot about the Pie. The Pie was angry, and so he abandoned the people. However, one believer named Fred Fred Burger still honored the pie, and when the Pie left, he prayed for the pie's return. The Pie decided to compromise, and created hippos to be his messengers to the people. But the evil people, who hated the pie, led by Ronald McDonald, created Mooses to fight the Hippos. The evil Mooses worshipped the great Moose in the Sky, the unpieful one.

Chapter 2
Come, ye pieful, come honor the grat Pie! The pieful must come and honor the pie on Friday, the day of the pie! If thou ignoreth the day of Pie, thou shalt be cursed and un-pieful. Only the righreously Pieful may honor the Great Pie in his temple.

Chapter 3
If thou wisheth to have eternal pieness after they have perished, one must honor the pie. They must renounce the mooses and say 'hi' to a hippo sometime in their lives. One must embrace the Pie as the Almighty. One must always believe in the great Pie's power.

Chapter 4
Some things are pieful, but other are not. Mooses must be forever hated and ignored. One must never eat at McDonalds, the restaraunt of evil. The great moose in the sky shall try to lure the faithful astray. Llamas are holy, but not as much as hippos. Cheese, and pickles are also blessed by the great Pie. Those who pursue what is pieful shall have the blessing of the Great Pie.

Chapter 5
The Great Pie made Fred Fred Burger his Prophet. That night, hippos flew all over the world, telling all that the Pie's messenger was on his way. The mooses became angry with this. Fred Fred Burger was instructed by the Great Pie to spread his word to the people.

Chapter 6
One day a moose came to challenge the power of the Pie. He went to Fred Fred Burger and said: "Your great Pie is not real! Prove to me that he is greater than the Great Moose!" So Fred Fred Burger called upon the Great Pie. The Pie sent a swarm of cheese at the moose, who fled in terror back to his home.

Chapter 7
Fred Fred Burger traveled for six years spreading the word of Pie, and many flocked to his glorious cause. "Cast down your idols, ye people," he cried, and people believd in the Great Pie. The Pie was pleased with his Prophet. But the mooses were not. The plotted to destroy Fred Fred Burger.

Chapter 8
Thou shalt never eat pie except on special occasions. Those who eat pie eat the very substance that giveth them life! They shall be cursed forever to burn in the lair of the Moose! They shall suffer forever for their sins.

Chapter 9
Ye pieful must always be respectful toward their creator. Those who are not are not pieful. One must love the pie, and honor him on days of the Pie. Only then can one be pieful. Have courage, ye people! And honor pie!

Chapter 10
And the mooses plotted against Fred Fred Burger, and at dawn the next day they captured him. Fred Fred Burger prayed to the Pie, but the great Pie decided that it was time to call him home. The evil mooses killed Fred Fred Burger by shoving a pie down his throat. then they swarmed and killed all beleivers. but instead of dying, their souls tose up into heaven.

Chapter 11
Thou shalt be kind hearted toward fellow man and fellow animals and things that are holy. the great Pie created them all, and they must all be respected. If you disrespecteth man or holy beast, you disrespect what the great and Almighty Pie has created. The Pie created us to be gentle. However, of the Pie wills you to take up arms (or legs) to defend Pie, then do do in the name of all that is yummy!

Chapter 12
One must not lie, steal, or be violent unless instructed to do so by the Pie. The great Pie created us to be perfect and with crust. But in the beginning, the people were led astray, and were imperfected by Ronald McDonald.

Chapter 13
It is your duty to spread the word of Pie and all things baked wherever you go. There are many who do not know the glorious ways of the pastry. They shall flock to hear your message. Do not let the wicked discourage you, be bold in the name of Pie! Never be afraid to invite others to hear the word. All but the wicked deserve a chance.

Chapter 14
Do not be discouraged by the wicked (or the Danish). They shall always try to destroy what is Pieful. You must stand up to them. Do not fear persecution. Take up your arms (or legs) and fight back. Splatter their faces with pie and cheese, the holy weapons. The wicked know nothing of the great Pie. They are fools.

Chapter 15
In the end times, pie shall fall from the sky. All things sweet shall turn bitter for the unpieful. The day of judgement will be at hand! The fools and mooses shall curse the name of the great Pie, but ye faithful shall remain unharmed. The nonbelievers shall be plagued by flying cheese. Fred Fred Burger and the believers of long ago shall decend from the sky, to gather the faithful. then they shall rise up into the sky. But the mooses shall trick the nonbelievers into trying to destroy the great Pie, but the hippos, the great Pie's messengers, shall destroy them. They will go down to the land of mooses.

Chapter 16
Be joyous, ye pieful, and rejoice. For when your time is done, ye shall ascend into the sky! There, you shall spend eternity in the land of Pastries and Cake with the great Pie. There shall be mountains of every kind of cheese to eat, and there will be thosands of hippos singing. You shall be eternally happy in the beatiful garden of Pie, and in the lake of cheese fondue. Pies shall fly all over! The great Pie will reward you for your faith, and ye shall be whole and unsliced again.

Chapter 17
Be warned, ye unfaithful. After life, ye shall descend deep into nowhere, to the lair of the moose. There you shall spend eternity being tortured by mooses. There, they eat pie in front of you and curse it's name! The mooses will kill captured llamas and little hippos in front of everyone, and they will gore you with their antlers. There, Ronald McDonald, evilest of all creatures, whall sit on his evil throne and laugh. you shall suffer forever for your unpiefulness. You may plead to the great Pie, but the time for that will be already passed.


Anonymous Matthew W. said...

I just finished reading it. Nice work! It's impressive, but you might want to check the spelling a bit.

5:35 AM  
Anonymous St. Cheese said...

I St. Cheese have readeth it. Praise thee for a Pie well done! I agreeth with You on the holy pie.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Captain Spankin' Crackers said...

A very short book indeed!
The Sacred Text A La Mode spans three billion pages. But the mortal eye cannot fathom such a big book...and the text has not yet been translated from Pirate-speak. Yaar.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Captain Pie Master said...

I'm Captain Pie Master, sucessor of Captain Spankin Crackers. I taken over leadership of the Sacred Text a la Mode now he has left us. Visit our site at:
From Captain Pie Master

11:58 AM  

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